Vignette Rough Draft

When my sister-in-law Karyn got engaged, her side of the family was pretty disappointed.  The guy that she had been dating was a louse, a clod, and a cretin. He isn’t the kind of person that I would not associate with unless I positively had to. Since he was marrying my wife’s sister, all signs pointed to me being stuck with him for life, or as long as the marriage lasts.

It’s a very selfish way of thinking. After all, Karyn was choosing to become his wife, and no matter how uncomfortable I was with the idea, she would have to live with the decision.

Plus, she obviously loves him. I would often joke around that she was only marrying him to upset the rest of us. That’s an incredibly self-absorbed concept. Would this young woman actually play such a game with her life just to upset me? Why would I assume that she would be so malicious?

It took some time and some introspection to realize that just because I didn’t approve of her choice, that didn’t mean that it wasn’t the right choice for her. I had always celebrated her intelligence. By doubting her relationship, I was suddenly insulting her ability to think rationally.

But that didn’t stop me from dreaming. Even up to the day of their wedding, I was holding out hope that she would change her mind.

            My wife was the matron-of-honor and was tasked with delivering a speech at the reception. I volunteered to help her write the speech because I felt that it was my chance to say something, whether it was my voice or not. My wife and I have similar feelings towards Nick, so I had her complete trust. Besides, I’m not brazen enough to cause a scene, or put my wife in a compromising position.

            I wanted to use the opportunity to give constructive advice since they seemed intent on going through with the wedding. Choosing a partner that you plan on sharing your life with is not something that is done lightly. Since I was welcomed into my wife’s family quite easily, I never had to “win” my way in. I struggled with the thought of my in-laws not liking me, but even after walking in Nick’s shoes, I wasn’t cutting him any slack.

            I look at the relationship that my wife and I have, and I want that for Karyn. I didn’t think Nick was capable of living for another person at the time, and part of me still feels that way.  But who wants to be reminded, at their wedding, that loved ones think the marriage is doomed to fail?

            I attempted to give advice that would work for any relationship, but also highlighted the deficiencies I have witnessed in theirs. Below are some key pieces of advice, followed by an explanation of why I felt it necessary.

#1

•   In his book The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky says, “We only accept the love we think we deserve.”

A reminder that in your moments of doubt, when you feel as though he’s not giving you the love you deserve, it’s because you accept that from him. Be empowered and demand the love you feel you deserve.

#2

•   You have chosen to accept each other and let one another into aspects of you that no one else will know. Show that you are deserving of each other by being the best for each other.

A second reminder to be deserving of one another. This is preceded by pointing out her responsibility in choosing to marry him, while also pointing out that she sees something in him that the rest of us don’t.

#3

•   Your decisions should be made based on what is best for both of you, since now your actions will reflect you as a couple.

Directed towards him as a way of saying “Don’t mess up, you represent her now.” An indirect way of telling him not to be selfish anymore and start living for someone else.

#4

•   Remember that when you stop living for your spouse, then you start to fail as a couple.

This is where I see trouble in their relationship, so it was important to emphasize how a marriage is the joining of two.

#5

•   It’s very easy to get caught up in the romanticism and good vibes that engagement parties, bridal showers, bachelor and bachelorette parties, and weddings bring. What makes you a couple is what happens when everyone else has gone home and you are left with the one thing no one else has- each other.

This is something that many young couples revel in today. There are now so many different ways of celebrating the couple before the actual wedding. The couple may be shocked when they come home from their honeymoon to find that they are just another couple now. People aren’t clamoring to give them gifts or drop everything to spend time with them.

            The speech was well received, but not by whom it was intended for. Nick was too drunk for the advice to sink in. He was also reveling in the speech the best man had just delivered; a speech that highlighted what a great guy the groom was and how he’s a real “bro”. Not surprisingly, it said nothing about them as a couple and only served to fluff his ego.